Tired of Happy

Can you be tired of happy? Ever been there? That moment where you're life is so on-track that you're not sure it should not be more challenging. So you add a mixture of office politics, naked bodies and public speaking. But still one's personal "Dow 13,000" lingers right there, almost taunting the repetitive nature of life's cyclical pattern. As if to say, "Sure thing, keep adding 50 points a day. You'll see how your 'calculated risk' pays off, you clown."

But still I keep smiling and getting up with my contract to myself. I am a free and intimate man, growing and succeeding. And so I do. Over and over. And then maybe you re-watch The Secret or re-read Manifest Your Destiny. You think nothing but positive spins on what once would have been negative thoughts. And you feel the success so much so that you plan to test drive the new car, you feel the sands of a tropical island where you'll vacation and you declare "Hallelujah" when the promotion comes through as planned.

It's all falling into place. But the journey is exhausting. Sitting still and letting life pass by without acknowledgment was so easy, wasn't it? Or was it possibly more exhausting but the lethargy was so all-encompassing that it wasn't as obviously present as the reality of expending energy on growing? Anyway, the new thoughts come as the journey progresses. The pressure in your head mounts to sabotage the master plan. The doubters shout louder than ever before. And all the naked pleasures of the world can't save you now. Only your mind can accomplish that. Work and work to fight that voice and continue to achieve.

So lately I've asked not what I want but more, "What will I do with all that?" Will I end up married to an 'artiste' who's retired on my dreams? Will I buy that same bitch a new kitchen, a new car, a new life? Will I live free to my inner core and travel and 'grow' in my personal development? Fine. All of those are options in a world of eternal success. But even without the crash, even if one is not tired of being happy, even with one's goals within a touch of being fully accomplished, so it's necessary to realize that we are not meant to be happy all the time.

What's that? No! Society told me I can be happy all the time, Gary. Well, society lied to you. Happiness is not a human right. EMOTION is a human right. Feeling is a human right. And happiness is just one feeling, one emotion. Sadness, grief, pain, and, yes, even neutral states of being are all other possible options.

So as much as I like to tell myself at times, "Fuck her bullshit. I will achieve complete happiness and succeed beyond my own wildest dreams" there are two fundamental flaws in that thinking:

1) "Fuck her bullshit" as a concept does not have anything to do with growing myself (happy or not) and everything to do with focusing on somebody outside my own self, my own ability to present my very best thoughts to the world. It's a temporary release. Has it's place? Yes. In my head, during moments when I can recognize that thought for what it is, let is pass by and move on. Because the true incarnation of "Fuck her bullshit" is living right past it with a smile of true content.

2) Complete happiness and success will come with focus and free thought. That's easy. How about something bigger? How about content and peace of mind? Which doesn't come with outward focus (see #1).

"I used to think that I was cool
Running around on fossil fuel
Until I saw what I was doing
Was driving down the road to ruin"
- James Taylor

I suppose as it approaches midnight and I'm supposed to rise and shine tomorrow with a blissful attitude (again, happy or not) I am getting to my final point that's stuck in my head. When all that success creates the excess that some force once told me I wanted, will I have the ability to use it for good purposes? Will I look beyond the fact that the $400/night hotels don't phase me anymore and see the grass is always greener so that next time I manifest my dreams they are real ones? One must know when it's time for bed. That time is now.