One Can Dream

I was spending some quality time last night (among other things eating sushi and playing Wii) with a good friend and sometime during the course of the evening she asked me, "What do you want?" It was in the context of a conversation about relationships. And at the time I just laughed. I laughed because I had this crystal clear idea of how it would FEEL but I had absolutely no idea how to describe it. The feeling is all I needed to manifest the idea but a description helps when speaking aloud.

This morning on the standard morning commute the iPod let me know the answer. The rare Rod Stewart song came on and "Mandolin Wind" started playing. So I think I can define what I want so succinctly it struck me with a smile and I listened to the song three times. Thanks Rod.

The coldest winter in almost fourteen years
Could never, never change your mind
And I love ya.

Awakening

A person asked Buddha:
"Are you a God?"

Buddha's reply was
"No."

"Are you an Angel?"
"No."

"Then what are you?"
"I am Awake."

-- Unknown Source

And So Change

Dear Spirits of Those I Still Love

It is most unfortunate you are not here to see me grow
You see though how my success is unprecedented now
The abundance that wraps its arms about my spirit is clear
The manifestation makes me feel as a seer
And you, spirits, would laugh with me at how we could play.

You would enjoy this shoreline where I frolic
feel my smile from across the room and absorb it
gain pleasure from mine own and share in the wealth
of this knowledge, so freeing, as we'd celebrate our health
together, unencumbered loving each and every day.

Though you be not here in the physical sense
Be it known that I think of you when the walls seem dense
and the light seems to dim and my energy sinks
after passionate love affairs and one-too-many-drinks
when I know you'd appreciate the joy of my experience.

I'd cry that you left this place too soon
and run and hide at the coming of each moon
but for the freedom and intimacy and growth
which daily reminds me that I can have both
what you wanted and what I wanted

without compromise.

Dear Spirits of Those I Still Love,

I am on the path you wished me to find,
and though I wish I'd found it in kind
please wish for me the best as before
and someday I'll know we could not have been more.

Whilst Attending Wedding

This past weekend I attended my friend Jon's wedding (to his lovely bride Tina) in Washington, DC. It was a semi-formal event, you know, blue suit & funky tie, very lovely decor and held in the gorgeous Old Ebbitt Atrium in downtown. Good times were had by all and I have since confirmed that it was not drunken-ness that caused the good times. Indeed people were actually rejoicing, genuinely enjoying a little Hava Negila action (it was a mixed Jewish/Christian wedding, non-denominational) and forgetting about their stress for a short while. But I did make two mental notes which I think are worth blogging about:

1. Crackberry addicts are out of control. Like guns and bad-attitudes they should be checked at the door of all weddings. Black-tie not Blackberry. I think it shows a sign that many of my generation are so 'connected' that they are completely disconnected from the reality of life: that the moments of life only come once. It's particuarly important to note that those moments don't require a wedding to happen! They are happening RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW. So put down the Crackberry and dance, my friends. Sing, honored guests. And laugh and smile, oh lovely relatives. The emails will still be waiting when you next decide to zone-out. Hopefully that will be by conscious choice during a time that you're on-the-clock. I am proud to say I did not even think about my phone. Jon & Tina your wedding was beautiful and I remained fully present even when moon-walking on the dance floor.
   
   
2. On a different note, why do my best friends in this universe only gather once every 3 years when somebody gets hitched? Hell, last time it was my own wedding so one might say that I set a precedent of only gathering for big-time occasions. I'm not saying we can have a weekly gathering since we live in Kentucky, Los Angeles, Orange County and Washington, DC. But can't we see each other more often than every 36 months? How about an alumni event in Boulder, CO where we all attended school? Hell, I'd settle for a conference call (we could write it off then too!).
   
   The awesome & sad part is that we all picked up right where we left off sans the deep philosophical semi-bullshit semi-amazing conversations we'd had in college. Is that a bad thing? Not necessarily. Perhaps we're mature enough not to require that anymore. But it does show that we're so busy these days that it's just enough to fly in for the ceremony and then head out of town having danced, drank and given a few hugs. There are children in the picture, wives, important jobs... even Presidential campaigns.
   
   I don't really know what my point is (it often gets wrapped up in some convoluted poetic lyric somewhere). Perhaps it's that life goes on despite birth & death, wedding & divorce, love & heartbreak. We share the same experiences, however different the circumstances. We are one energy, one world. So when those rare moments come, whether every 3 years or every 3 decades, taking the time to make a mental note, take a digital photo, nod to a snapshot in time or write a blog; it's important for one's mental health to be present even if it's just long enough to say, "Oh yeah. This is why I'm grateful for all those things back home." Find your own 3-year-bonding and make every moment that special.
   
   Gaze out and realize that those moments are going on every second of every day. It ain't about the money. It ain't about the 'big day'. I believe it's about taking notice of a too-fleeting presence of mind.
   

That being said, I spent most of this glorious occasion breaking it down on the dance floor and I now share the photo proof that you've all been anxiously awaiting.

DC Trip, May 2007

Congratulations Jon & Tina. Thanks to all the friends I met again, met for the first time and will someday see again. Mazel Tov!

The Perfect Nap

I've met people who didn't' like napping. Most of the time I had trouble relating to them but it didn't mean we couldn't be friends or lovers. Just that most of the time they had generalized issues with sleeping that I've never experienced.

Usually I have no issues napping whatsoever. I love a good afternoon sleep. I am positive that I was once a lion (or possibly still am). For instance, this weekend I had a divine nap. This was a nap of the most perfect sort. Perfect length, perfect conditions, perfect outage of my brain. Allow me to elaborate (hey, it's my blog so I can elaborate all I want)...

On Saturday I had the type of day that comes along once in a blue moon. The type where you are out all day and managed to think of everything you'd need to have with you if you were gone all day doing a variety of activities. If I had made a list and checked it twice I'd still have forgotten something but somehow on this day I did not. I taught yoga, had a haircut, practiced yoga in a 3-hr 'hip opener' workshop, volunteered as a sous chef for my friend's pre-Mother's Day dinner, attended the quintessential beach bonfire gathering and bar-hopped in Laguna Beach until last call. Left home at 9am and got home at 2am. Somehow I managed to make it through this day without exhaustion, with a smile on my face and with a generally good vibe. Was it because I intended for it to be so?

Yes. However I also believe it was because of my perfect nap. The perfect nap wipes out all stray vessels in it's wake. It's like the perfect storm except instead of destruction it brings peace of mind. The perfect nap and the perfect storm both leave a calm after they pass. They both leave a sense of 'wiped out' thought where what was in place previously doesn't seem to matter so much. And both involve a deep sense of awe.

My nap took place post-teaching and pre-practicing yoga. I had 20 minutes to kill before my workshop. I was in Newport Beach, CA on a sunny balcony. On a warm bench. In my comfortable yoga clothes. I was tired from teaching but more mentally then physically. And I had the perfect length of time if I could pass out immediately. Which I did. I used my rolled up yoga mat as a pillow and put my yoga towel over my eyes to keep the strong California sunshine off my eyelids. I started to think how warm it was in the corner nook of the balcony I was in and .... zzzzzz.

I awoke, with no other recollections or disturbances, exactly 1 minute prior to the start of the workshop. I got up with almost no grogginess, walked into the workshop and eased my way into 180 minutes of hip opening. We eased into it both mentally and physically which really was the perfect end-cap to my nap.

I've had a few other naps that come close to this one but not quite as blissful albeit very memorable.

• I fell asleep after a LA to NY red-eye on a bench in the ritzy area of 79th and 5th Ave on the upper East side of Manhattan (5th ave borders central park). But I was woken up by a rude old lady who wanted to sit on the bench I was keeping so nice and warm. Crazy lady.
• A quality snooze in the Jardin du Luxembourg in Paris, France. I was again rudely awakened by a police officer who told me I couldn't sleep in the park. What else is a park for?!
• I believe I fell asleep on a beach cove at the Sydney zoo but I couldn't tell you where or for how long.

The rest is a blur. I was sleeping after all! But the Perfect Nap seemed somehow blog-worthy. It was a happy day. That's worth notating in any form.

Tired of Happy

Can you be tired of happy? Ever been there? That moment where you're life is so on-track that you're not sure it should not be more challenging. So you add a mixture of office politics, naked bodies and public speaking. But still one's personal "Dow 13,000" lingers right there, almost taunting the repetitive nature of life's cyclical pattern. As if to say, "Sure thing, keep adding 50 points a day. You'll see how your 'calculated risk' pays off, you clown."

But still I keep smiling and getting up with my contract to myself. I am a free and intimate man, growing and succeeding. And so I do. Over and over. And then maybe you re-watch The Secret or re-read Manifest Your Destiny. You think nothing but positive spins on what once would have been negative thoughts. And you feel the success so much so that you plan to test drive the new car, you feel the sands of a tropical island where you'll vacation and you declare "Hallelujah" when the promotion comes through as planned.

It's all falling into place. But the journey is exhausting. Sitting still and letting life pass by without acknowledgment was so easy, wasn't it? Or was it possibly more exhausting but the lethargy was so all-encompassing that it wasn't as obviously present as the reality of expending energy on growing? Anyway, the new thoughts come as the journey progresses. The pressure in your head mounts to sabotage the master plan. The doubters shout louder than ever before. And all the naked pleasures of the world can't save you now. Only your mind can accomplish that. Work and work to fight that voice and continue to achieve.

So lately I've asked not what I want but more, "What will I do with all that?" Will I end up married to an 'artiste' who's retired on my dreams? Will I buy that same bitch a new kitchen, a new car, a new life? Will I live free to my inner core and travel and 'grow' in my personal development? Fine. All of those are options in a world of eternal success. But even without the crash, even if one is not tired of being happy, even with one's goals within a touch of being fully accomplished, so it's necessary to realize that we are not meant to be happy all the time.

What's that? No! Society told me I can be happy all the time, Gary. Well, society lied to you. Happiness is not a human right. EMOTION is a human right. Feeling is a human right. And happiness is just one feeling, one emotion. Sadness, grief, pain, and, yes, even neutral states of being are all other possible options.

So as much as I like to tell myself at times, "Fuck her bullshit. I will achieve complete happiness and succeed beyond my own wildest dreams" there are two fundamental flaws in that thinking:

1) "Fuck her bullshit" as a concept does not have anything to do with growing myself (happy or not) and everything to do with focusing on somebody outside my own self, my own ability to present my very best thoughts to the world. It's a temporary release. Has it's place? Yes. In my head, during moments when I can recognize that thought for what it is, let is pass by and move on. Because the true incarnation of "Fuck her bullshit" is living right past it with a smile of true content.

2) Complete happiness and success will come with focus and free thought. That's easy. How about something bigger? How about content and peace of mind? Which doesn't come with outward focus (see #1).

"I used to think that I was cool
Running around on fossil fuel
Until I saw what I was doing
Was driving down the road to ruin"
- James Taylor

I suppose as it approaches midnight and I'm supposed to rise and shine tomorrow with a blissful attitude (again, happy or not) I am getting to my final point that's stuck in my head. When all that success creates the excess that some force once told me I wanted, will I have the ability to use it for good purposes? Will I look beyond the fact that the $400/night hotels don't phase me anymore and see the grass is always greener so that next time I manifest my dreams they are real ones? One must know when it's time for bed. That time is now.

Spring Break 2007

Some people think that Spring Break is for children. I determined in 2005 that it's definitely not. As a matter of fact, I'd argue that kids have no idea what to do with a good spring break. They have no money, they have no stress from which to really 'let go' and they have no innate ability to gather together and appreciate time to smell the flowers (or the slopes). Nothing against children, but unlike Trix, Spring Breaks are for Adults.

This year I joined about 100 other folks from Rossignol, Quiksilver, Roxy and the like to celebrate "Project C", otherwise known as Rossignol's 100-year anniversary. This meant spring skiing. In a big way. In the springtime sunshine. In Utah. With beer. And demos.

We're talking 3 concerts, happy hour nightly, some good hot-tub gin and tonic moments, a few bail-outs into the slush, a day in Alta, boarding, skiing. Did I mention letting go? The photos pretty much say it all:

Utah Spring Break, April 2007

So what did I learn? After all, there's something to be learned in all experiences, especially those involving travel, friends and that feeling known as Rocky Mountain High. I'd say take aways from this 'meeting' are as follows:

• Lesson 1: friends are necessary, spouses are not. Not to say that marriage isn't a wonderful institution (I've been there) but rather the 'escape' from one's own obligations is a key component of spring break. So spouse or no spouse the key to the good times during Spring Break are friends. I found this to be the case in my 2005 experiment as well.
• Lesson 2: Spring skiing is phenomenal regardless of snow conditions. Really when you break it down skiing or boarding is about enjoying the outdoors, nature and sport. Wouldn't it make logical sense that this would be best enjoyed at 65 degrees rather than 35 degrees? Sure the snow gets slushy. All the better to fall down in.
  
• Lesson 3: Alta has the best snow in Utah, hands-down. Followed by Snowbird.
• Lesson 4: If you are going to fall down a mountain, wear a helmet.
• Lesson 5: Flirting with the lead singer of a hard rock female cover band will result in a video of lips, breasts and...
• Lesson 6: When "rockin' out" make sure you don't forget that the band does not matter so much as your attitude

That pretty much sums it up. For those of you who enjoyed Spring Break this year I praise your efforts. The Backdoor Man and Dr. Feelgood salute you.

Passover Thoughts

It was in my mind to create something special this year for the birth of a new spring. Not that the previous years were separately categorized. Far from it. But more that I had a feeling that more generosity of myself would result in more coming in. Lets call it testing a theory of Buddhism that I'd felt uncomfortable with in the prior month. Guarding myself? I don't know. I suppose I just knew that as April 1 approached that I could let down that which had been a shield against a force that is within me, not outside.

So for one evening 10 of my closest friends and family gathered at the place I am proud to call my home. And I fed them a meal I labored to make. We drank the fruit of the vine and told the stories of those before us who faced much more difficult situations than mine, than ours combined.

It's my belief that all I did was open my heart and choose to give freely of myself and the rest came naturally. Those who could at first not attend had cancellations and came smiling to my doorstep. Those who had been doubtful were quickly fulfilled. Those who came from abroad had expectations made into memories. Together we even managed to capture a few fleeting moments on film.

But the warmth that filled the house filled my heart and filled my head with pleasantries to replace the drag, the doldrums the awkward nauseous silence that had temporarily pushed aside the laughter.

Thanks to all who came. And those who wished to be there. You, too, were in my heart. I am grateful for this. I recognize the moment. I choose to be free & intimate. I choose to grow and succeed. So glad others can share that with me as the flowers are reborn and the sun gathers its strength for the coming spring. Happy Passover. Happy Easter.

Passover Seder, April 2007

Don't Think Twice, It's All Right

This really couldn't be much more perfect. I've listened to it about 5 times in the last 12 hours. Kinda goes hand in hand with my laughter and giant smile at my potential dating scenarios... Thanks Bob Dylan for being a lyrical genius and already expressing what I've been trying to put into words with such wonderful sarcasm and eloquent imagery.

It ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
It don't matter, anyhow
An' it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
If you don't know by now
When your rooster crows at the break of dawn
Look out your window and I'll be gone
You're the reason I'm trav'lin' on
Don't think twice, it's all right

It ain't no use in turnin' on your light, babe
That light I never knowed
An' it ain't no use in turnin' on your light, babe
I'm on the dark side of the road
Still I wish there was somethin' you would do or say
To try and make me change my mind and stay
We never did too much talkin' anyway
So don't think twice, it's all right

It ain't no use in callin' out my name, gal
Like you never did before
It ain't no use in callin' out my name, gal
I can't hear you any more
I'm a-thinkin' and a-wond'rin' all the way down the road
I once loved a woman, a child I'm told
I give her my heart but she wanted my soul
But don't think twice, it's all right

I'm walkin' down that long, lonesome road, babe
Where I'm bound, I can't tell
But goodbye's too good a word, gal
So I'll just say fare thee well
I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don't mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don't think twice, it's all right

Thoughts Departing Salt Lake's Splendor

Something amused me this evening
on the flight from Salt Lake,
as I sat next to the brown-haired, 6' missionary
with a lovely smile
and she flirted
the thought occurred:
Does she know anything other than missionary position?
And do I really need another number?!

And then I realized:
I'm pretty much cured.

Or maybe,
it was the club last night
with the oodles of women
with whom there's no guilt.

Or maybe,
it was the realization
that I was looking forward
to returning
for the sake of talking
to those who still see my wonder
and I theirs.

And then another thought made me laugh aloud
in the airport
as I passed by a young couple
and they held hands
but did not smile
the thought occurred:
Thank God I am free of baggage.

I've supplemented my void of complaints with physical actions.
Skiing, snowboarding, running, vinyasa flow, cycling.
I'm a little creaky and there's more left.
I'm a bit weathered and that makes the passion burn hotter.

My physical pain is my own to have and hold, so help me God.
My smile is mine to own and shine outward for all the world to see.
My physique is mine to cherish as long as it shall last.
My peace is mine to share freely, with all the knowledge of the past.