Thursday, June 01, 2006

To be present and realize the present isn't one

Every moment is a gift. That's what Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed and the Spaghetti Monster all say. So it's hard to look at a day when the present is anything but. More like the present opens a can of whoop-ass on you and it's all a yogi can do to keep oneself balanced physically much less mentally.

So there you are. I finally met my match. And I faltered. I talked behind backs, I got angry despite my knowledge of my life's privilege, I felt let down by a presence that is entirely mine to control. But I did NOT jeopardize my integrity. And that's a big step forward from some time in the past... some time when I would have told myself a little white lie and moved onward -- marching as solidly as if I actually wasn't lieing.

It's that knowledge, the piece that comes from the 'universe' that tells you, "Hey, you did ok, pal" that lets one get through a day like this. There wasn't any defining moment for the day so, dear reader, you needn't seek one. There was not even any catastrophe. An outsider might look at the past 12 hrs and sigh at how uniquely unappreciative I can be of my own existence. But it's my realization that makes me know I can sigh too, and move on to a fresh evening, fresh night, fresh day tomorrow.

And what's the status... I'm still single, I'm nobody's husband, father, uncle, step-whatever or even distant genetic equal. I'm still employed, and rightfully so, stable and able to enjoy life. I'm still proud of my accomplishments and equally learning from my failures. I'm still able to smile. I'm still physically capable, strong, virile, open, loving, beating, breathing, pumping and feeling. I still like soft, hard, and all the tactile sensation that falls between (unless it involves my head hitting the cement). I am still introspective. I still laugh at myself, talk to myself in public and dance with my cats in private.

I'll teach yoga tonight and enjoy it. I'll awake tomorrow and smile. I'll have a party tomorrow night and understand that ego should be low, enjoyment should be high and worries won't help either. I'll go to my second Rusty Wells yoga workshop on Sunday and sing, chant, sweat and breath knowing that today taught me something. I'll determine from this minute that I don't need a workshop anymore (though it doesn't hurt!) to know that happiness is a conscious choice. I'll continue. I'll not be afraid of 'this' not doing so.

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