So it fell through. And I told myself, "Self, you really win either way. If you get it, you'll go and your life will shift. And if you don't, you have had time for extreme introspection, reflection, re-direction and new expectation."
But that isn't the reality is it? I'm let down. I feel I did my absolute best. Most folks would be proud of doing their best. I feel I failed. Failed to make the leap. Attain the next level. I dedicated my entire emotional being to taking that step and then fate told me, "Sorry, son, you're destined to be elsewhere." And where is that, fate?
Meanwhile everything else surrounds me. Settling. It seems to be a theme these days! Settling for what she wants, settling for what I have, settling for what she does not want. Settling for what they all either want or don't want. Outcome: You can't control anyone elses likes or dislikes. Doesn't matter if you run a song and dance routine, beg your friends to stay put or tell them "All you need is love." Reality is, the latter is true but it's not really love of anyone else, is it? It's love of oneself.
So I try to internalize that. Day in and day out. And I look at what Lama Surya Das says about being selfless. I'm trying to do that. But aren't I supposed to succeed at the same time?!
Have you ever tried to be entirely selfless and shift your life to be more successful? What is success? The more I read what buddha says the more I realize that it really has nothing to do with the things people think it is. It's not money or title or anything even slightly related. So why do we crave those items? If our society is really that off the mark (and believe me, I'm pretty positive it is) then doesn't that leave us in a state of absolutely lost disgraceful self-loathing? God help us. How does one summon the energy to tie a rope to a sinking ship and try to pull it to shore?
Many questions. Asking them, however, makes you feel better than ignoring that they exist. And that puts me 99.99% further along the path to happiness than many other souls out there.
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