Evil Carousel, Pleasant Carousel

It's my belief that the carousel is evil. Before you accuse me of being un-American or just downright nuts think about the carousel's you've seen in your lifetime. Do the 'artists' who create this monsters of amusement understand that tigers do not always bear their fangs and horses should not have dilated pupils and bared choppers? Why can't the animals be... well, regular animals. Do we really want to subject our children to a rabid panda bear leper colony escapee?

At the Irvine Spectrum this past weekend I saw a carousel which defined all that is wrong with society. Call me a social pariah if you will but the "Carnie Code" of legend really applied here. The masks on the swirling rooftop were something out of a twisted Greek-tragedy-meets-Bride of Chuckie context. The animals looked as though they were running, desperately and with a look of deathly fear, from the Island of Dr. Moreau. And the children on the carousel (granted, there were only two because the remainder were likely eaten alive by one of the more ferocious animals) looked fearful. No, not happy. Fearful.

So I'm doubting the whole concept. But what else is new? It's a world where men are trained to kill by an administration who believes the 10 Commandments should adorn our courthouses ("Thou Shall Not Kill" ring a bell?). We feed on a soufflé of endangered species and wonder why we don't sleep well at night without the crickets singing us to sleep.

But at the pinnacle of it all is the knowledge that we can change the very ferocious nightmare that haunts each and every individual with the blink of an eye. Simple action yields simple happiness. We're just monkey people after all. The whole shabang yields to pleasant vibrations with a smile that's true, a warm embrace, a reassuring touch, or a deep kiss. And afterward, ride the carousel to the other side one more time and see if it looks a little more inviting. Sing on Brother, play on drummer.

Tales of the Sea

Crazy tales from the sea in today's LA Times I wanted to share because they're plain old whacky. And who doesn't need more wackiness in their life?

Pirates Attacking Cruise Ships! What the hell year is it again?

200-lb fish on a Southern California Highway?

Wardrobe of Wines

http://www.mayofamilywinery.com/libertine.html
I opened my wardrobe this afternoon to throw on some clothing before hosting a small dinner party. Lo and behold there were 3 bottles of wine staring back at me. I stood for a moment, dumbstruck. It wasn't for knowledge of HOW the wine got there. I'm well aware and it's a story I'd rather not recount at this point. Hidden from a time I thought I had long since cleared from my mind. Just goes to show that a welcome surprise can come from the least likely source. In a view that could be looked at as happy or sad the wine is most definitely worth more than the wardrobe itself. Probably more than the clothes as I've not been shopping on Rodeo Drive lately. I just smiled and laughed aloud at how silly life is. There are few pleasures in life as wonderful as being profoundly shocked by providence.

So I opened one of the bottles for dinner. A lovely red table wine from Mayo vineyards in Sonoma. Tannins linger on the tongue not overwhelming the palette but present enough to say, "Thanks for taking me from the wardrobe!" Along with my homemade lasagna (courtesy of a slightly modified new Cooking Light recipe) and a finish of truffle brownies it was a perfect accompaniment.

Lovely finish to a day where I cleaned the sinks, vacuumed cat litter and endured 3 hours of Iyengar yoga and came out feeling splendid.

TV Pizza Joint

Just 24 hours ago I found myself in a bit of a quandary: what does one do to fill the time between work, a bit of psycho-analysis and teaching yoga? A common situation. So common in fact that the answer immediately came to me: eat.

Of course, eating is the answer to almost all issues in life. The other common answer is exercise. The 3rd most common is recreational drug use, however I felt that smoking a bowl of crack was not the answer to this particular dilemma. So eat it was.

I entered what was, on the outside, a newly built brick-oven pizza place. The last time I had brick-oven pizza I was on a date in Washington, DC and I remember only one particular thought: at my salary level at the age of 23 (at the time mind you) I really shouldn't be buying beer at $6/glass. But what the hell.

Well, the salary issue no longer being the chief player I sauntered up to the counter and ordered the house special pizza (personal size despite the temptation to take some home in lieu of actually cooking something healthy for the next 2 nights). It wasn't until I sat down that I realized I was in the most disturbing of environments.

Every table had it's own 10" flatscreen television and a remote hooked to a cord (lest we give into the temptation to steal white 9-button remote controls from pizza restaurants across the country!). And at each table were children. Drooling. Watching TV and mindlessly stuffing pizza into their oversized American mouths. A very scary scene I tell you! Something out of a badly written "Brave New World" but without Aldous Huxley's brilliant futuristic vision. This was very much stuff in a "Year 2005 Pizza Place with No Taste" atmosphere. It was worse than "Jaws" and "The Ring" combined.

I'm not so sure that the children themselves, or even this false feed (TV feed, fat feed, brain-wash feed) frenzy was to blame. Worse than them by far were the hideous parents. One couple actually put their 4 children at their own "booth" to argue over which channel to watch as they sat at a high table on bar stools. This was Thursday night. Time for family bonding. Discussing the latest at school. And here they had absolved themselves of responsibility for FOUR children. All to be fed a healthy dose of pepperoni and Disney channel.

Another Mother saw an open booth (it was quite crowded... of course, who wouldn't want to be in on the scene?!) and encourage her child to quickly hasten toward to the open spot to gain the table. Then she looked at me and said, "It's got it's own TV!" as if proud of her ability to separate herself from the situation. After ordering she praised her daughter for so quickly obtaining her spot at the booth. "Good work," she said.

I could sit here, midnight Saturday morning preparing myself mentally for tomorrow's intense yoga workshop, and analyze the situation further. But it seems to really speak for itself. Need there be further commentary from this peanut gallery? I think not. But I'll let you order some pizza and watch some tube while you think it over.

Cruisin' the Yangtze in the Land of Strange Meats

Having landed back in the USA I reflect back now on the Great Chinese Adventure and think to myself, "Well, that was a learning experience." It feels strange to return to a world where everyone can communicate without excessive confusion.

I have now eaten nothing but salad or vegetables (ok, I admit I had a ham sandwich but I love pork products so give me a break) since my return just to 'flush' my system of the fried goop I was somewhat 'forced' to consume.

The last days of the trip were extremely busy. Shopping for bargains in the markets of Shanghai (Yang Xiang -- sounds like a Chinese rock band!) and tasting the virtual limitless amount of teas available in the local shops.

Of course, the biggest piece of the journey was the river cruise up the Yangtze River. The Yangtze winds through the 3 gorges which are most definitley breathtaking. And where the cruise was a bit slow (never been on a cruise before and though this was a river cruis I don't plan another anytime soon) activity-wise the scenery was absolutely astounding. I kept busy the rest of the time doing yoga (it felt very Chinese), reading and playing Chinese checkers. When in Rome...

So I come back a man richer for the experience and poorer for having purchased 3 oil paintings, a new carry-on suitcase, some tea, cashmere sweaters and candles. All in the name of contributing my part to the 9.5% yearly growth of China's GDP. Given the conversion rate I think the country of China actually owes me money at this point rather than vice versa. I'll keep my eyes peeled on my Visa statement for the line item that says, "Credit from People's Republic of China -- Thank you, please come again".

I could go on and on describing the randomness of this country but I have photos to put up that should pretty much speak for themselves showing the beauty of the country. And in 20 years when the Mongolian BBQ Goat has faded from my memory I'm sure that the ideals of a gorgeous Fall trip to the Eastern cities and Western Yangtze will remain.

An Open Letter to the China Bureau of International Tourism

To Whom It May Concern at the China Bureau of International Tourism,

I am currently on vacation in your country and thought, given your focus on improvement for the 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing, it might be helpful to you to receive a letter from an 'outside' perspective about what I've found most wondrous and most disturbing during my travels here thus far. Please take the following suggestions with a grain of salt.

1) Cheap and abundant massage is a good thing. I believe the fact that I got a head, back and shoulder massage for 30 minutes followed by a foot massage for 30 minutes for a total cost of $7 USD is a definite winner. Keep up the good work.

2) Dehyrdrated bengal tiger paw from a decrepit street vendor is not an item that most westerners are actively seeking. Perhaps a slight curb on the use of endangered animals as 'street fare' would be recommended prior to the Olympic games?

3) Ability to purchase 15 DVD's for $10, cashmere sweaters for $10, and freshwater pearls for pennies on the dollar is truly astounding. Thumbs up to that.

4) Beijing Zoo needs some work. The pandas look bored and overpampered.
Note: Perhaps start in the small mammals section. I believe you will find most westerners offended at the fact that you have four gorgeous white artic foxes in a cement cage measuring 3' x 3'. Also, you may want to reduce the urine smell from that area prior to the Olympics as well.

5) Great Wall, Tiananmen Square and Forbidden City are every bit as magnificent as I thought. All are absolute monuments to mankind and the country of China in their own right and I think your spending $3 billion Yuan (RMB) to rennovate these great areas prior to the games is paying off. Good work communist party!

6) It's come to my attention you might be beating down some religious groups with extreme physical violence if they don't agree with your views. Hint: maybe not such a good idea for international relations.

7) Love the Jasmine tea. However some westerners do find it possible to drink more than one glass of liquid at a time. I will provide some examples of what it is possible to have on the table in Europe or the USA: Water and Tea. Tea and Beer. Water and Beer. Beer and Water. Water, tea and beer. Water, tea, beer and wine. Wine and water. Etc. Etc. Please look into this matter as thus far we seem to be limited to one item exclusively.

8) Local Chinese restaurants should be given priority for feeding visitors to your country. They are much tastier than the 'tourist' spots and cheaper too.

Our fried salty prawns and spicy peas last night that we chose by pointing to pictures in a menu were considerably better than the pre-chosen menu of sweet and sour mystery meat and bok choy that we had for lunch with the tour. I would be happy to create a guide for you based on the following criteria:
a) The less English in the restaurant garners higher star ratings
b) The more heads and tails on the food garners higher star ratings
c) Eyeballs on the food garners higher star ratings
d) Availability of multiple beverages garners higher star ratings

I know this seems opposite to western sensibilities but I think if people are exposed to items a-d they will see the light. The restaurant 100 meters from our Beijing hotel gets 5 stars based on the above. There is no English, everything is whole, everything looks at you, you can get beer and tea and it's absolutely lip-smacking delicious.

I won't burden you with further insights into the small items I've encountered (ex: older Chinese ladies climb the Great Wall and then find they can't get down) as I'm sure you can sort them out for yourself.

Thanks for taking my suggestions into consideration and the best of luck to you in the coming 2 years preparing for these great Olympic Games! If I had cable I'd surely watch on TV, but alas, I do not.

Sincerely,

Gary Penn
US Citizen and fan of China
Author of "My Food Is Looking At Me: A Star Rating Guide to Obtaining the Best Cuisine in China, Bar None"

Everything Name Here Has the Letter "X" In It

On a recent sunny Fall afternoon in the streets of Beijing, a young man made a keen observation that seems worth repeating. "Every phrase, restaurant, sign and street name here has an 'X' in it," the man said. That'll do pig, that'lldo.

Sitting here among the somewhat-lacking-in-grandeur buildings of Beijing I can't help but think to myself, "Self, what was this place like BEFORE they started 'fixing it up' for the Olympic Games 2008?" Truly this place is a world apart from Shanghai. The buildings are run-down, the people noticeably poorer, the pace slightly slower. And yet, we're still speaking about China. In a country of 1.3 billion people (most of them in cities), there are... well, a lot of Chinese people speaking Chinese. Also of note is that the people still seem generally wanting to help and aiming to please. Maybe it's the 100 Yuan bill talking (it's worth all of $12 USD but it stretches a loong way here) or maybe they actually want to help. Hard to tell but I'm taking the optimistic approach and picking the former. And where the city is 'older' than Shanghai at least there is culture within the city aside from shopping. We spent the morning and afternoon at the Emperor's (and Empress's more importantly) Summer Palace. An IMMENSE palatial estate that dwarfs any of the temples in Japan in size and scope but not in physical state (note: it IS under re-construction for the Olympics).

Identity-wise, this IS China. We're talking rows upon rows of restaurants and they all serve the same food (one guess for you what type of food it is). But that's not a bad thing. It's just China. And that speaks volumes when you see the people who move about this country daily. They are a world unto themselves. Seemingly trapped in a time-warp for 40 some-odd years and then suddenly thrust into the throws of westernized capitalism in the last 15. An odd mix of not-so-tantalizing and faded photos of "Shrimp with Black Bean" adorn the windows alongside miniature gadgets that claim to play MP3 and MP4. Given a 9% growth in their GDP annually, it would not surprise me if they have MP6 advertised before the rest of the "western" world.

I've sat amongst private family conversations in Lasaunne, Switzerland (before I learned French) where I understood not a word of the flowing French aroundme. I sat just 3 weeks ago in the lovely home of a Dutch family in Hardewijk, The Netherlands where the torrid (and frankly less than beautiful) sound of Dutch left me numb but smiling. And I've sat in many a business meeting listening to Japanese as though it were a bad mockery of Wierd Al Yankovick making light of Asian pop songs. But none of these language barriers are quite as foreign as Chinese. I'm struggling to pronounce the words "Thank You" (Xie Xie in transliteration) but I'm laughing all the way. Does English sound as foreign to the taxi driver as Chinese does to me? And if it does... well, what must he think of German?! And for the love of God, can somebody buy a consonant instead of a vowel? No wonder I can't pronounce anything.

Speaking of German, our hotel is flooded with them. I've come up with two possiblities:
1) There is a popular and timely sauerkraut and wurstli cook-off competition here in the coming days
2) Beijing is a popular tourist destination for Germans
3) A tour company booked a lot of Germans in this hotel

Lastly, massage here is cheap and abundant (more so in Shanghai but here too). Had a nice Thai massage last night at the hotel. Any society offering 60-minutes of massage for $35 is one that I need to return to.

Tomorrow it's the 'official' start of the tour. Up until now it's just been aplay-it-by-ear adventure. So that means Tiananmen Square and the like. Think it's time to go eat more Chinese food.

I thought Buddhism was the way...

Born into Judaism...

I checked yoga's relation to Hinduism...

Found peace in Buddhism...

And settled on Spaghettism

Romance Novel Spoofs

This is absolutely hilarious. In the midst of a miserable month, this ended it on a bang.

Ready to be done

I'm ready to be done now you see
Don't know what else there is to be
All around burnt and raw inside
Come in, I'll show you, I've nothing to hide.

Hole in my household
No attraction in my life
Slipping on the foothold
Already found a wife
It's all too much, too much to say
I see evangelicals and for them I pray.