Thursday, December 15, 2005

An Open Letter to Those Who Cause Anxiety

I have the following helpful suggestions for anyone out there who's judging anybody else. In no particular order:
  • I'm not embarassed by my life so don't try to cause me to doubt because you're insecure. If you cause others to be ashamed, you know who you are.
  • I'll make what I like and do what I want and you can enjoy it or kiss my small, fuzzy white ass.
  • Don't take what others like because you know they like it; especially the last one.
  • And don't eat all the and put the box back in the pantry. That's rude. And it's passive-aggressive.
  • Learn to relax. Lay down on the ground and close your eyes and stay there for 5 minutes.
  • Learn to drink just 1. Learn to smoke just 1. Learn to eat just 1. Learn to... you get the point.
  • Be gluttonous if you want but don't complain about it afterward.
  • If you see someone taking a nap let them rest. They probably know something about peace of mind that you don't.
  • Go fly to the other side of the world, come back and re-think whatever hypocritical bullshit enters your mind.
  • Make your own life. Make your OWN life. Make YOUR OWN LIFE! MAKE YOUR OWN LIFE! Stop stealing mine. Stop stealing OURS. Stop stealing theirs.
  • Still not happy? Seek a professional. That's not a date. That's not a boyfriend or girlfriend. That's not a spouse. That's not even a good friend. It's a therapist. Deal with it.
  • Long-term self-pity will get you nowhere. It's good for a day of cathartic healing. It's good for a week of cathartic healing. It's not a lifestyle. Think again.
  • You have value and are capable of contributing to the universe as a whole if you give it some effort. We all are.
  • Thanks for anything you do that's thoughtful.
  • Take up Transcendental Meditation rather than Person-to-Person Aggravation.
  • Watch less television. You'll feel better. You'll be more educated. You'll learn how to live life. You'll probaly also be less violent, more focused and generally a better person.
  • Exercise more and complain less and you'll be happier. Remember when you were little and your Mom said something like "what's gotten into you? Go run around the block"? Take that under consideration literally.